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QHereKidSF : Mindflux | Matt(e)o | Mayhem --
Matthew D. Blanchard (San Francisco, CA)

ABOUT ME:[edit]

F*ck! Face it! I'm a Fagged-Out, Funambulist, FreakShow!
Fabulously f*cked in the head for far too long.

Fun? For sure! If by chance you get some crazed, cracked-out, masochistic satisfaction from strangely spiritual and surreal stories of schizo-delusional messiah mania. Then maybe I'm you're man!

Many minds of ME: Matt, Matthew, Matthias, Matthieu, Matt(e)o: an evocative enunciation of my sacred person. A "gift from God" transposed as metaphysical motif by friend of the freakshow Fellini, into the most enlightened provocateur of prophetic wisdom: Il Matto (ref. La Strada).

Add in an ounce of out-rageous, clown-faced, fog-city faggotry,
And you've found me: A Fagged-Out Funambulist FreakShow!

For clarity: When I'm obeying the better half of my boisterously blubbering brain, be pleased to know one cute, calm, collected,... creative, courageous conversationalist. A capricious kind of kid who favors (and is fulfilled through) freedom, faith, feelings & friendship.


It just so happens... that this happy, home-bodied, head-spun homo aches for adventure outside of his squarely sparse and sterile, single-room studio. So much for the serenity of solitary!

I seek sure-fire ways to share in smiles! Feel-good, friendly encounters with compassionate, courageous young people who prefer spontaneity over structure, giggles to groans, wild, raucous, truly treasured adventures over lay-low, stay-at-home, humdrum, twiddle-your-thumb tragedies of time ill-spent and spoiled.

Oh to the brave, emboldened high-wire hopefuls who dare a single step onto my sky-high shaky string: Strength in Numbers! Hold the net for he who fumbles and fear not for this Fagged-out, Funambulist, Freakshow! as he falls a few steps forward.

In faith of friendships, past, present & so surely set to come.


In early October 2007, I was found alone, unconscious & half-dead in my studio apartment in a pool of my own blood & urine. My face was blackened by an AIDS-related necrotizing bacterial infection. My teeth were falling out. I was rushed to the hospital where I remained in a coma for four weeks, during which time my upper mouth/jaw & half of my nose were amputated to rid my body of the incurable infection & to save my life. I awoke from the coma with a giant hole in my face & with no recollection of my near fatal experience.

Since January 30, 2008, I have begun the long, arduous, drawn-out process of multiple craniofacial reconstructions. Upon writing this entry, I have had only three operations out of what possibly could be a total of ten to twelve facial reconstructions to replace my nose & mouth. All the while, I have been experiencing quite a frightening roller coaster of emotions: repetitive depressive cycles which denigrate my psyche and bring my mind to such low depths that even suicide seems an easy remedy to this suffering. [...]

The closest I have come to finding any psychological support for my experiences is through the local Alisa Ann Ruch Burn Foundation (San Francisco, CA USA). They have put me in touch with a remarkable woman: a burn victim & 28-year survivor, Lily. I am amazed & enthralled by her. She talks to me with such poise, calm, strength, confidence, stability & compassion, and that's all after she had burned over 80% of her body, lost both her hands and breasts, had to have her eyelids, her nose, her entire face reconstructed--after 23 operations over 12 years time. She is truly a "survivor!" [...]

Despite this woman's courageous compassion & despite the enduring support I receive from close friends & family, I still feel very traumatized by this experience. Right now, I feel like a monster! I rarely go out in public, and never without wearing surgical masks to hide my horrifying visage from cruel, insensitive, unsuspecting bystanders. I'm in serious need of help: help coping, help adjusting, help surviving, help overcoming my shame. I write all of this as a plea for help, for assistance! [...]

But I will survive with courage, strength, patience, persistence and perseverance. This whole experience is most certainly a trial of patience & perseverance. My soul is being run through a ringer, pressed dry, wrinkled & worn out by all the awesome tensions & turpitude of my lowly existence. Pray God, may I survive!

Aucune illusion n'adoucit mon amère sérénité!
-- Charles de Gaulle (Les Mémoires de Guerre, Le Salut) Category:Biographies Category:Poetic Prose Category:Matthew Blanchard Category:Bloggers Category:Bloggers from the United States